If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
