Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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