I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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