Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
