I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
