I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Randomize
