im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize