i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
