What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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