he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
