have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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