nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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