y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
