Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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