If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
