i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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