I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
sex in a hospital.. check
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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