Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
