You just made me feel so damn special
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize