Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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