Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
