all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I fill condoms, not promises.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
