I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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