Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
