my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Randomize
