I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
the day after is always just damage control
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
