Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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