I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize