I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
