im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize