officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
two words...techno handjob
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
