New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
