i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize