I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
she was so not down for the gang bang
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
