i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My bed smells like the plague
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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