im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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