After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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