my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
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