I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
