we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
