I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
