im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
