my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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