Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
