ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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