Michael Bay diarrhea
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
