my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
