Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize