i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
