i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize