you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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