..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
