youre lurking in front of me
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
