I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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