I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
