just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
