Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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