I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
