I can tuck mytits in my pants
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
