woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
