Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Randomize
