I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
